Several years ago a very dear and my closest sibling type love stopped talking to me. She had her list of reasons. I had no idea she felt that way or even thought like that. I was and still am devastated. My attempts at correcting my behavior met with the freezing breathless darkness of space.
For the first two years I thought of her every single day. I saw reminders of her everywhere, and thought of the plethora of experiences we shared. I cried countless tears, got through restless nights and fought the battle of letting go of events. In the third year I only thought of her twice or thrice a week; a deeply welcomed respite for my soul and devastated heart. By the fourth year her memory would slip into long gaps of absence, my life began to feel slightly more normal. In a weird way, occasionally, after months of quiet she would pop into my mind for days at a time. In these windows of time I always wondered why I suddenly thought of her so much. Was she in trouble? Was there something I could do for her? I’ll never know… By the grace of life and time, I would manage to forget her again after days of intense awareness.
This will be the fifth year I have not heard from her. I was at peace and suddenly this week she popped into my mind again. This time however I heard myself sigh with relief as tears flooded my face “I think I might just be able to survive this,” I said to myself. I almost fell to my knees as I realized how this event has thrown me off balance and taken years off my life; yet, we survive.
I am star struck and amazed, dumbfounded and humbled by spirit’s endurance and strength. I lost my mother at the age of 8. The event with this person is the second most difficult thing I have survived. I have gone through tough times, a divorce, moving to a different country, learning a new language, changing careers and overcoming devastating illnesses. Nothing compares to getting over being left by someone you dearly love while they are still alive. We manage to move on with our lives no matter how shredded our hearts might be.
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Driving on the road today I came upon an accident. A car had plowed into the back of a big truck. Nobody was badly hurt, however the car was in bad shape and it would not surprise me if it will be totaled.
As I drove past the scene I wondered where the driver’s attention had been. He had to have his focus elsewhere and could not stop in time.
So here is the point I want to bring to the forefront. Our attention is always on something. Probably one of the few times your attention isn’t on something is during sleep (not including REM) or if you are literally unconscious.
You can say you were clueless or distracted or numb for example when you hop in your car and before you know it you are home or at the grocery store. You look around with no recollection of how you got there. Rest assured however, your attention WAS ON something. It just happens that that something didn’t include the road…
My invitation is to pay attention to where you put your attention. You might discover some interesting things about yourself.
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